birthday message

These days, I'm afraid of me
There's fire, where my heart should be
My confident core is weak
My mouth doesn't dare to speak
'Cause I've been looking too hard for something
Looking too hard for something
Giving it all for nothing, trying too hard to love again
In light of reality
A truth that's too good to be
Looking too hard for something
Giving it all for nothing, trying too hard to love again


Happy Birthday.

There is so much that i want to say to you, i mean its your birthday for fucks sake. I know talking to someone you consider to be your best friend should be easy but for me that is really difficult as i am awful at expressing myself usually which is why i want to write it down.
especially around birthday times because this means that no matter what is happening you can always read this and know that you are loved.

I consider you to be a real friend. One of those people that you break your rule and think that you think it is worth trying to let into your heart. 

Today i get to celebrate you not just for you but for me as well. This is the day you were born, the day I was blessed even though i did not know it, that you would come into my life and show me that life can be nice to me, that i can meet someone (well male someone) that is genuinely good. You have already changed my life in in more ways then you will ever know. I never tell you enough how much I appreciate you being in my life.

  Thank you for being you, your wacky, zany self and you are the most beautiful person inside and out. You are someone who i am constantly surprised by how no matter how much i can see in you, you still manage to have another layer that i get to discover. Your are just one of the most unique, enchanting, captivating, thought provoking and just beautiful human being 

I also want to take the time now to thank you for making me laugh even when I have wanted to cry. You have always been there when i have needed it, I am very unused to it and i know i can make it difficult for people to be there for me so thank you for just being there.  

I know that you get upset about forgetting what i said (or what you said) but know that doesn't matter to me. i know that whatever this friendship could give to each other it is still at the very beginning stages and i know eventually we will work out the perfect formula (or you know i could always become emotionally stable)

But the main reason for this letter is to wish you a happy birthday and to wish that coming year is better then you or i could even dream up of. Thank you for being who you are, for being my friend. I (whatever word is most acceptable to use because i feel stupid using love) you and i wish that you an amazing year and i look forward to being there to sharing it with you

as i am me but just a high me, the high me is the more real one.
i know you will hate yourself if you dont watch this video about the greece financial crisis you keep talking your arse off abut he subject but what do you really know? do you know what your talking about? no you copy other people half baked ideas as your own and because other people don't have the time to shop around for ideas you get away with it. you need to move on from this you neeeed to watch it and and understand it . you want to be a better person so for fucks sake actually do something. get off your arse and do the things you want to do. no more half doing things. seriously you know you actually want and is it because your scared of failing? is it because what does it actually matter if you fail
so you fail you move on it will hurt and you will learn to deal with pain. real pain
you cry sometimes and you dont know why are all the motions bottled up and the real me is inside and im just afraid of letting her out. im scared that the side people see of me isnt the real me but the created me visualized by what i wanted to be as a child.  i need to write more. i think it actually gets my emotions out. fuck i need to type not physically write. maybe i should start accepting that im dyslexic rather then trying to beat myself out of it by forcing myself to do it.